Topics for Coaching: People Pleasing

Exploring People Pleasing In The Coaching Room

People Pleasing is a pattern of behaviour that many of us will identify with, which generally sees us frequently trying to please other people. That might show up as doing what other people want us to do, or doing things we haven’t been asked to do because we think it will please others.

It’s possible that the origins of this term come from transactional analysis (TA). Transactional Analysis emerged as a therapy in the late ’50s and early ’60s founded by Eric Berne. It looked at childhood messaging and the influence that our childhood has on us as we develop and move into adulthood. TA is where the drama triangle and the parent-adult-child model come from.

People-pleasing is one of five drivers that another transactional analysis creator came up with. The drivers are:

• ‘be strong’,
• ‘hurry up’,
• ‘please others’,
• ‘be perfect’,
• and ‘try hard’.

They stem from the idea of us having a life script that develops between the ages of two and seven. In those early years, we learn how to be in the world and we develop a script that might well stay with us for the rest of our life unless we start to examine it and explore it, and try and unpick it a little bit. And this is all about how we navigate our world as a child. So if we have quite a chaotic, disruptive household, it might be that pleasing others is our way of adapting in order to be safe and well in that world. One of the concepts that comes from transactional analysis is this idea of ‘being okay’. It can quite easily develop within us that we feel the only way that we can be okay is to please others. So, you can imagine that if we’ve been told by our parents that you have to be nice, you have to be good, you have to do as you’re told, to share. And then we go to school and we’re told that we have to get along with everyone else and do what we’re told and please others. And perhaps we’re told that it’s selfish to do what you want to do when other things are going on, we can quite easily develop the idea that that’s how you have to be in life. In order to be okay, you have to please others. And the consequence of adopting that script is that we believe that if we don’t please others, we are not okay. We might see ourselves as being unworthy of love and affection and unworthy of other people’s respect unless we’re doing what they want us to do or pleasing others in some way.

So, you can see that people pleasing can run really deep. That’s one theory. There might be other explanations for why this comes about. But if we have that deep-rooted childhood messaging that we’ve carried through with us into adulthood, that can be really problematic in terms of people-pleasing.

How Might People Pleasing Show Up In The Coaching Room?

We see a lot of doctors who have this people pleasing driver. They will be looking after others, putting everyone first before themselves. It’s part of the reason why doctors end up with burnout, because they are constantly saying yes to people and constantly giving of themselves. So, burnout could be something that people come to the coaching room for that might indicate a ‘people pleasing’ driver is at play.

It’s often mentioned as a throw away comment. And it might not be a big issue, but it might be that the issue is just being disguised. They are over committing, and they’re not actually doing what they want to do because of this people pleasing tendency. So even though it might be just a throwaway line, I think it’s worth pausing the coaching at that point and just saying, Oh, you mentioned people pleasing. Tell me about that. How does that show up for you?

And of course, if it’s showing up in the workplace, the likelihood is it’s going to be showing up in home life as well. So you’ve got potential for pressure from both sides. It’s not going to be just one arena that it shows up. People are going to have this as a general way of being. A problem around their work-life balance or perhaps lack of self-care, not doing the things they want to do for themselves, just not having any space in their life. And this could relate to any of those things we’ve mentioned, and underlying that, a people pleasing script. They’ll be prioritising others rather than themselves.

Another way that it shows up is an excessive need for approval. They might constantly need the affirmation that they’re doing the right thing and people like them, so they’ll constantly be seeking that validation.

They’ll probably have difficulty saying no and setting and maintaining boundaries.

Avoidance of conflict is another sign to look for. People-pleasers tend to want a harmonious life, so they tend to keep away from conflict and they might avoid difficult conversations.

Fearing disapproval and rejection might also be an issue for them.

So how do you start to work with a client who thinks that their people-pleasing is having an impact on their life in some way?

Firstly, rather than just accepting their flippant, “Oh, I’m a people pleaser”, actually stopping to explore that, recognising it if it is an issue. Asking questions like:

• ‘What does that actually mean for you?’
• ‘And what are the consequences of you being a people pleaser?’
• ‘When you’re saying yes to something, what are you saying no to?’

It is s difficult for individuals to think of another way of being. They own it, accept it, take on the label; they believe and tell themselves and others, “I’m a people pleaser. That’s just how I am.” It is, however, entirely possible to change the script and to stop being a people pleaser. It is not something you have to keep being forever.

These things are deep-rooted and has likely come from childhood, they’ve got years of conditioning and years of being that way. So to stop and try and be a different way is going to take some effort. Recognising that it’s not going to be easy is something to bear in mind.

Exploring why they do it; What’s the gain for them in being a people pleaser? There might be some secondary gain in the sense of feeling good about themselves.

And exploring what they give up by people pleasing, and what they will give up by no longer being a people pleaser.

Then we can help our coachees think about what strategies they could adopt in order to be able to say no, or to be assertive in a conversation where there is some negotiation to be had.

Strategies For Managing People Pleasing Behaviour

Negotiation: There might be that someone’s asking them to cover a shift, and they might, rather than just saying yes, they might say, ‘yeah, I’m happy to do that, but I want some compromise. I want next Tuesday off if I cover that shift’. And that’s quite a nice way to think about it, as a negotiation rather than just, thinking you have to suddenly start saying no to everything and everyone.

Compromise is another step along the way rather than just saying no,

Putting some boundaries in place, ringfencing time for certain activities that are your non negotiables. Knowing what you want, and why it’s important makes it easier to ut those boundaries in and to maintain and defend them. Even starting with small boundaries, knowing that you can stick to them is important. That builds in some self-efficacy. If you can do it in a small way you can believe you can put other boundaries in place as well.

Working on recognising that the world doesn’t end when you’re no longer saving the day for everyone helps to increase self confidence in this new way of being.

It can help to work on your client giving themself permission to please themself.

A cognitive behavioural approach could help with some of these things, particularly in terms of working out what those strategies are for new behaviours.

It’s important to remember that some behavioural approaches might not work straight away. It might take some time to embed those new ways of being. Taking time to recognise, that the world didn’t end, and that they are still okay, and worthy of love and affection.It’s not necessarily a quick fix. Some things sit much deeper, but we can still work with them.

What one tip would you give a coach who has a client that mentions people-pleasing in a session?

Tom says: Not to ignore it. Notice what you’re noticing. If someone just makes that flippant comment, ‘Yeah, well, I’m a people pleaser’, don’t let it go by without picking up on it and exploring it with them.

“So you mentioned being a people pleaser. What does that mean to you?”

“What are the consequences of you being a a people pleaser?”

“How does that show up in your life?”

Questions like that can really draw out what’s going on for them and how life is as a people pleaser and whether they’re happy with it. If they’re perfectly happy with it, that’s fine. But there may be consequences, and it may be that they are unhappy with the way they’re living because they’re a people pleaser.  

Our Doctors’ Transformational Coaching Diploma  covers cognitive behavioural coaching and transactional analysis that will help to explore this topic with coaching clients. Take a look and get in touch if you have any questions.